See i have this thing that creeps up into my mind every now and again
where i worry if how i’m acting or what i’m saying or what i’m feeling is because i don’t want to be happy.
It’s hard to explain and its a whole big thing,
childhood crap. shit that would just be a tangent here. another time.
well it was something i thought i’d gone past and dealt with
but i hadn’t, i’d hidden it and bottled it
and it started leaking out bout when i turned 18
and erupting from about 2 years ago
maybe 1 and a half
and once i finally sought help over it
and through talking and myself just coming to my own conclusions along with my psychologist’s comments and elaborations…
if you think that you are worthless and pathetic and mean nothing and are empty…. then it wont hurt when people leave you or hurt you
because its expected. and because you’re worth nothing, so why would it hurt if you’re nothing?
if you are not of substance
i was lying to myself for protection. and my protection was killing me.
but that’s the thing. i can’t remember being happy as a child. i can’t remember much from it at all.
and i had not really felt and experienced content and peace untill my 20’s.
and when i started experencing that… i couldn’t fucking deal with it. it was a foriegn entity.
i had no idea with how to deal with being happy
and it made me uncomfortable. so i started sabotaging it.
but for the last year i’ve been fighting and mending. slowly.
i get worried that my doubts come from a place of not wanting to be happy
because it IS still a struggle
i fight it constantly. trying to know that i’m something
that i’m a thing of substance
my friends have helped me so much with that
the viclockians have helped me so much with that
a couple friends more than all.
i can know i’m loved and wanted, but still feel that i’m not and feel empty… but they pull me back everytime.
“My darling girl, when Ramses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. You are a catastrophe!”